


behind my eyelids are islands of violence

by lithium_breath



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Depression, F/F, F/M, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gay Sex, Hate Speech, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Couples, Love, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Protective Josh, Rage, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Tyler is smol, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but he's just scared really, gay af, is gay a disease, jealous josh, jealous!Josh, jenna loves tyler, josh hates gay people, josh is a badass, josh is adopted, josh loves his bro, self destructive josh, they're not real brothers so..., tyler doesn't love jenna, tyler is kind of an outcast, tyler plays basketball
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-22 00:44:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7411795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lithium_breath/pseuds/lithium_breath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over 400,000 American children are in foster care - over 400,000 children were once abandoned by their parents.<br/>Joshua William Dun is one of those 400,000; he's just another number to add to the endless list of abandoned souls.<br/>Josh <i> survived </i> in the same orphanage for 15 years of his life amongst other broken children; but Josh has trouble on dealing with his emotions. He has some <i> real </i> trouble on dealing with his rage and hatred about the world as well.<br/>Joshua William Dun is everything a mother wouldn't want her son to become: he's a punk, pierced, rebellious, mad and homophobic teenager who has no limits, no morals, no rules, and no love. And he can't be repaired.<br/>Josh waited 15 years of his life to be adopted. He never was; that remains true until the most unexpected people decide to put all their faith on him - a lovely lesbian couple with another adopted son.<br/>Josh <i> hated </i> the new rules and limits that were imposed; Josh <i> hated </i> gay people; Josh <i> hated </i> not being free; and fuck, Josh <i> hates </i> not hating Tyler fucking Joseph, his not so little fucking brother, who's surely going to turn his whole life upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first tøp fanfiction but i tried my best.  
> i want to make clear that i do NOT support any ways of hate speech; unfortunately i'm writing about a reality that still happens to these days.  
> warnings: watch out for the cussing, homophobia, violence, angst and fucking fluff man!!! enjoy this ride.  
> (i had some trouble on editing this though so i made lots of changes. sorry.)  
> (and yeah i don't use caps lock at all lmao)

'Well, at least I should have a fucking word to say about it, don't you think?'

With a single inhale, Daniel finished the joint both male were sharing while Josh was talking about his shitty life, too busy to care about the joint that was stolen from him.  
Josh and Daniel weren't friends, and they always made that clear since the beginning. They weren't best friends, they weren't buddies, they were _nothing_ to each other. They were only two people who in several occasions shared several joints and may have opened up a little too much about their lives. And when someone knows shit about you, you got to keep that person close so they can't hurt you with your secrets. It's common sense. And both Daniel and Josh had, well, _some_ common sense.

'Seriously, everytime I think my life sucks, I just remember something shitty you told me about yours and it puts everything into perspective again.' Daniel mutters under his breath, and Josh literally growls. Daniel wasn't the talking type nor the type to handle anyone's bullshit; people who knew him didn't expect him to hug you and tell you that everything was going to be okay. Just like Josh, he lacked empathy - and maybe he was a little bit too frigid.

'I should burn that shit hole to the ground.' Before Daniel is able to grab his backpack in order to look for another joint or some beer, Josh is already smoking the shit out of a pack of cigarettes. Daniel was surprised he wasn't punching the wall yet. 'The fucking cunt, for 15 fucking years he never wanted to get me a family, and now that I am 6 months away of being 18 he finds someone who wants to adopt me. He's going to regret this so fucking much.'

Daniel is thinking about cats and how much he would love to have a cat and pet it every night, but then he remembers how pissed off Josh is and he decides to save the kittens for later. Even though he was high as fuck, he could still use his little knowledge about how much the world sucked to give some advice.

'Man, they don't care how many months away you are from being 18.' He shrugged his shoulders, and Josh's grip on the cigarette hardened. "You're 17, your legal guardian is still the state, and that's all.' What bothered Josh wasn't even the fact that he was being adopted; it was way more than that, so he angrily grabbed his red hair and tightened his grip on it, while crushing the cigarette on his fingers. 'Dude, maybe this is the best for you. Maybe you can finally get along with the right crowd, go to college, use your brains on something useful...'

Josh knew Daniel was right, but just because he was right it didn't mean that Josh didn't have the right to be mad - because _fuck_ , Josh William Dun was on fire, and soon he was punching Daniel's wall just as expected. Daniel didn't even flinch; it was just a normal day at the office with Josh Dun. The apartment walls were so damn shitty that his fist opened a hole in the wall, just as expected.

'NO DANIEL, YOU DON'T FUCKING GET THIS!' Another punch in the wall, another hole. How would Daniel fucking repair that? The thought of not eating for a week in order to fix the wall seemed to wake Daniel up a bit. Josh's cheeks were red from the rage, his neck and arms veins were pulsing, and his breaths were irregular and short. Another rage attack was coming, and the punches were only the start of everything. 'They're lesbians, dude. _Fucking lesbians._ '  
And then Josh was almost crying.

Daniel couldn't help it; he liked Josh, but he was too much of a tease to let this one slide without making Josh's life a constant hell, at least while he was still alive.

'Are you fucking serious right now? Josh-homophobic-Dun is being adopted by a lesbian couple?' Daniel seemed to be having the time of his life. Josh, on the other hand, felt like puking his guts out just by the thought of two women kissing each other - he would have to call them mothers, _fucking mothers._  That isn't how regular families are; normal and _nice_ families are raised by a mother and a father. And after all Josh had been through he just wanted a normal family to support him. But there he was, being adopted by two freaks.  
Why were they like this? Were they attention whores? Gay people were absolutely disgusting, and ridiculous, and he wanted to burn the orphanage to the ground, and it wasn't supposed to be like that, and Josh hated gay people so much that he...  
_Ew._  
It was too much for him to handle. He needed a male figure on his life; if he only had two mothers, how would he know how to act like a man? Right, he wouldn't. Soon enough he would be wearing dresses.

'It's always the same shit with me.' Yeah, Josh was right, his life was definitely shitty. 'I'm 17, I get a fucking lesbian couple to adopt me and I have to live with them for 6 months. Because you can beat my ass that as soon as I'm 18, I'm leaving that shit hole.'

Daniel rolled his eyes and ended up laying on the couch next to Josh; he had always been so chill (while Josh was a little, well... _hard_ to deal with), and being high as fuck really did help. Josh would need a fucking truck of weed to calm himself on that day.  
But Daniel didn't get it, though. He liked Josh because he was nice, and he liked music, and skating, and Taco Bell, but he was an homophobe. And homophobes are fucking disgusting, so Josh Dun should be disgusting; yet, he wasn't. Maybe there was something good on Josh Dun yet to be discovered.

'Have you met them yet?'

Josh shook his head no.

'That fucking asshole of a headmaster won't let me. I'm pretty sure this whole thing is fucking illegal, and I hope the police finds out and closes that orphanage and takes me away from their home.'

Daniel's eyebrows were soon arched in surprise.

'So, you're telling me that you're moving into their house tomorrow and you've never met each other?' Josh shook his head, and threw what was left of his cigarette to the floor. Daniel praid to God that the carpet wouldn't set itself on fire. 'Well, they must be fucking nuts to adopt a 17-year-old teenager who's into messed up shit without even meeting him.'

'Fucking psychopaths...' The red haired dude muttered; that was it, there was no way he could run away. The headmaster wanted him out, and the only way out was the lesbian couple - (killing himself was also an option, a really good one actually, but Daniel promised he would kill Josh if he killed himself, so he decided not to). How would he live with these people? What if he gets their _disease?_  What if he starts liking dick?!

'Dude...' Daniel was at the point of falling asleep, but he tried. He didn't try because they were friends - really, they weren't -, he tried because he wanted to sleep without hearing Josh's thoughts from the other side of the room. 'They're willing to take you in even though you're almost an adult. At least show them some gratitude.'

'Why would I show gratitude to some lesbian bitches? I bet I'm gonna get raped. Gay people are into fucked up shit.'

Daniel felt the urge to punch Josh, but again, he was too tired.

'You're fucking ridiculous, Josh Dun.'

'Stop blaming this on me! I thought I was going to spend my last underage days at the orphanage, not at fucking foster care with two lesbos. Do I look like 10?'

'You do, sometimes.' Daniel replied, and the younger lad growled again, finally getting up and grabbing his jacket in order to leave. Daniel yawned. 'Just come to visit sometime man. And seize the opportunity you've been given; many would kill for it, including myself.'

Josh turned around, and threw a questioning glance at the other lad.

'Why would you possibly wish to live with two lesbians, Daniel?'

'You know, man.' Daniel shrugged his shoulders and rubbed his eyes in exhaustion. 'Double pussy, and stuff.'

Josh left even angrier, and the whole house shook due to the strength he used to close the door behind him.

~ ø ~

Josh had his headphones on, his favorite black skinny jeans on and his favorite ripped Vans sneakers on.  
He also had his white ass sat on a fancy ass black Range Rover.  
At least the car was nice, even though it smelled like lesbian sex everywhere. Josh was about to puke his hatred out.

'I know this seems a little... Well, rushed, but you're almost 18 and we wanted to have full guard of you before you're an adult.' His... _mom?_ rambled, looking through the mirror and expecting to see a really excited Josh ready to ramble about his life and how happy he felt about moving into a house of sin, but instead he found a angry teenager listening to loud music, dressed all in black and pierced in the nose; and he was giving her the resting bitch face!  
Well, there goes her first impression.  
Courtney sighed; she loved kids, really, and she wanted to do some good in the world, but God forgave her for saying those words so soon, but  _maybe Josh was hopeless._  
_This is his first day,_  she thought to herself, even though she could see the hatred he had for her on his eyes, T _yler was like this as well and look at him now. This is okay. This is going to be okay._    
The lights turned red and Courtney stopped the car while some children and adults crossed the street safely. She took the opportunity to look behind and start a conversation with Josh, but he still had his earphones on.

'Josh?' She called, slightly loud so he could hear her. 'Can you take those off, please? I'm talking to you.'

Josh bit his lip,  _hard,_  and for a second she thought it would bleed. The teenager looked like he was about to cuss out every single bad word he knew or maybe punch her in the face, but he indeed listened to her. He was looking through the window, avoiding eye contact with her, and he slowly took the earphones off while Courtney saw the changes on him: his veins were pulsing, his face was turning red and he was bitting his lip in a very pissed off way. The woman knew about his rage attacks, but a rage attack inside a car stopped on a red light... Well, that would be a disaster.

She cleared her throat, and tried for kind approach.

'Thank you. I just wanted to tell you that Lainey, my wife,' She noticed the way he closed his eyes and bit his lip harder when she talked about her wife, but she chose to ignore it. 'is in a business trip. She wanted to pick you up with me, but they let you come sooner than we expected. For three days it would be just you, me and Tyler. Tyler is our other son, though. He was adopted five years ago.'

Josh arched his eyebrows and finally glanced at her when she mentioned the existence of another child in the house, and Courtney smiled. They were about the same age, they would get along well.  
But Courtney also noticed how red Josh's eyes were. _Of course..._

'Lainey has some important rules that she will go through with you.' She informed him in a more stoic voice. 'You'll memorize every single one of them in three days so you know when you're crossing the line; however, if you break one while you still don't know the rules, there will be no punishment, just a simple warning. But I'm sure we'll get along pretty well and you're going to behave greatly... Right?'

Josh didn't answer.  
Courtney felt like he wanted to slap her; he looked so serious, and mad, and reckless; she feared for her family.  
Josh would turn their lives upside down with his drug addiction, with his rage problems, with every single thing he had on him, but he was still their loved son. They could help him.  
She put a smile on her face again.

'Anyways, we're almost home! Is there anything you want to tell me about yourself while we're still here?' She questioned him happily.

Josh smirked; it wasn't a nice smirk, though; Courtney felt shivers down her spine.

'Yeah.' Josh's raspy voice was heard inside the car.  _'I fucking hate gay people.'_

And then the light turned green.


	2. 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tyler's life was already messed up enough without josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello guys, here's another update!! it's small but i hope you enjoy it.

Tyler had to catch the bus on that day - and _believe me_ , when it comes to the point that Tyler Joseph has to catch a public transport in order to get home, _shit has definitely hit the fan._  
There's also one thing you need to know about Tyler Joseph: he always fucks everything up when he's around huge crowds, especially when they're squeezed in a tiny space; he just can't. He gets all nervous, and _then_ he fucks up, and _then_ he freaks out, and _then_ everybody's laughing and judging him, and _then_ he's home crying and wondering why is he like this... and _then_ Lainey is screaming _and_ scolding _and_ telling Tyler to man the fuck up and go shoot his baskets - and _then_ Tyler is crying again. And it's always the same; an endless series of unfortunate events that leads Tyler to tears every single fucking time, and his mothers didn't help.

  
Lainey was a good mother - really, she was -, and he was so happy to have both Courtney and Lainey in his life, but sometimes the last one was a bit, _well, difficult to handle,_ you could say. She often scolded and hit Tyler, but after all she had the right to do so. She was the one paying the bills, paying Tyler's education, raising Tyler... She had the right to hit him in order to make him a good person...  
_Right?_

There's also this problem about being in crowded spaces; Tyler gets nervous and he starts thinking a lot and being paranoid. And that doesn't help when your leg is not on the best shape and you need to keep yourself stable on the bus. Face palming the floor wouldn't help him at all right now.  
But still, there was no reason to be paranoid or afraid to go home. Lainey wouldn't be home for a few more days and Courtney wouldn't tell her that he fucked up his leg during basketball practice. He would get better quickly, he would shoot his 500 baskets like he was supposed to and he would make his family and his coach happier and prouder than ever, instead of being made of fucking glass and hurt himself every single time he wasn't supposed to.  
Tyler Joseph makes a lot of plans and makes up a lot of scenarios on his head. Unfortunately, things go on the opposite way quite often though.

The drive home ended pretty quickly, but Tyler now had a hurt leg, an headache due to the children screaming on the bus and an urge to die due to the fact that he would meet his brother today - and knowing his mothers, he just knew they had chosen the worst psychopath they could find on the nearest orphanage.  
So there was Tyler Joseph torn between two different ideas: go home in order to fix his leg and meet his new brother, or stay homeless for the rest of his life.  
He should have probably chosen the second option, but the streets were dangerous and there was no way he would be able to hide and run from murderers with a fucked up leg. So he needed to go home, unfortunately.  
Thanks to the Gods, Tyler's house was right around the corner, so walking wouldn't be much of a problem.  
Tyler sighed.

God, he just wanted to be home and hide under his blankets forever. _It had been a shitty day._

~ ø ~

  
Josh Dun was hiding under his blankets - _it had been a shitty day._

He was _delighted_ when he found out that he would be sharing the room with his brother - or whoever he was to him -, for a week since his room was currently being painted. Believe me, he was _delighted._ So _fucking delighted_ that he opened the car's door while it was still moving and walked right home (or whatever that shit hole was called) without even looking back.  
He expected Courtney to freak out, call the headmaster on that right moment and say she didn't want Josh anymore and that he could fuck off for all she cared, and that was exactly what she did. She called the headmaster and sent Josh upstairs - and there he was, hiding under the blankets of his brother's bed - brother he hadn't met yet though -, and exhaling its scent.  
He didn't know why he was there; he just felt attracted to the bed. It smelled good, it was comfortable and cozy, and really, Josh Dun never had the opportunity to hide under the blankets when he was scared or when he knew he had fucked up back when he used to be a child, so it felt pretty good to feel protected.

He shook his head under the blankets and felt shivers down his spine; the _disease_ was already crawling into his bones and rotting his body: he was already being gay about everything.

Why was he overthinking? Even though the bed was comfortable, the house itself and the family weren't and he needed to go while he was still able to do so. He fucked up because he wanted to, and now he was going back to the orphanage where there was no gay people and where he really did belong.  
It wasn't the disease spreading, and Josh _surely wasn't_ gay. He couldn't, he was a straight ass dude and that was it. But when you live with gay people (even though only for a couple of minutes), you start questioning yourself. So exhaling his brother's scent on the blankets was like, _no homo at all._

Maybe he had brother issues.

The red haired dude decided that he was comfortable because back at the orphanage he had to share the room with 8 other kids. Sharing a tiny space with other 8 people sucked ass, and there was no silence whatsoever when Josh most needed it. But the whole atmosphere on that room was absolutely perfect: it had a cozy, huge bed with comfortable and warm blankets and nice pillows, the whole room was dark and silent, and he could feel the breeze coming from the open window. Diseases often make you sick, right? There's no way he was already sick with the gay thing then, since he felt like he was on _heaven._

Deep down, Josh Dun didn't want to come back to the cold, dirty and messy orphanage, but there was no way he would be staying at those lesbians' house either. But why not appreciate what you already have for a couple of minutes?  
And Josh was indeed appreciating the soft blankets and the dark room until someone burst right into his personal space.  
Josh jumped on his own spot, and suddendly the blankets weren't covering his body anymore.

And when their eyes met, Tyler and Josh felt two different things:

 

Tyler felt like he just fell in love.

Josh felt like he just fell in hatred.

 

_But oh dear, there's such a thin line between love and hate._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was a really small chapter, i know, but it's important.  
> anyway, thank you sooooooo much for your kind words and comments oh my god i didn't expect this fanfiction to be so successful already lmao thanks a lot guys. it means a lot to me.  
> this is a slow burn though, so yeah, let's take it easy. now that they've met, things are gonna get interesting!!  
> i'll try to update again as soon as i can. thank you for being awesome xx  
> 


	3. 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Tyler tries to overcome his social anxiety and be nice to a new friend (who's capable of hating him even more than Tyler himself), Josh has to make a choice - a choice that's going to affect his whole future, and how will things go from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have fun and sorry for updating so late!!

Tyler liked books.

  
He was the type of guy who would stay awake all night reading a book, constantly telling himself that he would read just another page, or maybe two... _or fuck it,_ maybe the whole book.  
And Tyler liked to read about things. It didn't matter which things, he just liked to learn about space, about animals, about rivers, curious facts about random historical events... Tyler was just like that - a wild spirit, curious by nature and way more observant than most people.

  
Tyler Joseph also liked to stare at things; not in a creepy way, of course - more like in a curious way. Glancing and looking was nothing to him; it was either him not even bothering to notice, or stare with endlessly curiosity.  
His mothers were used to it and they didn't find it creepy at all, but Josh William Dun surely found Tyler Joseph's stare creepy _as fuck_.

'What in the actual fuck!?' He spats out, and Tyler wakes up from his dream; Josh had acknowledged his presence in the room. He had a lot to say about Josh - _oh, he had so many things he wanted to let his mind wonder to_ -, but he couldn't, not right now, when his mum had already warned him how bad news Josh was and how she wanted to take him back to the headmaster.

'No cussing in this house!' Courtney's stoic voice was right behind him and made him jump on the same spot. She turned on the lights making both Josh and Tyler cringe in disapprovement. 'That's one of the rules. Now, if you mind me, my son needs my help and that's not your bed.'

  
Tyler had never seen Courtney so mad - she was the sweet one usually, and Lainey would be the strict one. The guy must have fucked up really badly. The punk guy whispered a few curse words under his breath, but he eventually moved his lazy ass to the mattress on the floor. Tyler didn't feel comfortable with it; Josh was a guest and he should be properly treated like one. He didn't say anything, though. It was not his place to do so.  
Tyler sat down on the bed, feeling Josh's death stare piercing his head. He gulped in fear, but his mother thought it was in pain.

  
'Do you think you need to go to the hospital?' Courtney asked, her eyebrows raised and a disappointed look on her face. She put some ice on Tyler's leg in order to ease the pain. She had always been the caring mum, and Tyler was thankful for that. 'I can drive you there, it won't hurt to check this up. You need to be on your best shape, honey.'

'It's okay mum. I just slipped, the field was really wet.' Josh cringed at Tyler's voice; it was so small, and scared, and he didn't even look like a man - he looked like a scared rat. He noticed the way Tyler bit his lip when the lesbian touched a black spot on his leg. What a pussy. That's why he needed a role model in his life, and not two women. 'I'll just lay here for a second, I'll be alright.'

 _How the hell did the kid hurt himself,_ Josh thought. He had gotten into hardcore fights and he was never left with dark spots on his body. Well, maybe a swollen eye and sore muscles, but that was it. Was this guy made of glass?  
Josh felt like he was watching a weird porn between the two of them, so he got up and grabbed his jacket. He needed to smoke so he could get this whole thing straight on his head. He was starting to stress the fuck out.  
Courtney and the scared little rat were soon glancing at him.

'Where do you think you're going, Joshua?'

  
Josh cringed at the usage of his full name. The lesbian seemed really approachable _(even though she liked pussy and he hated her for that)_ , but now she was turning into an hell of a bitch.

'I'm gonna take a fucking smoke, or shall I fucking smoke inside?'

  
Josh noticed the way the little hurt boy was staring at him; it was creepy, yes, but it wasn't necessarily bad. And honestly, Josh wanted to look cool and badass for him to be afraid of him.  
_No homo,_ of course. He just wanted to show him how much he hated him and his _perfect_ family.

  
Josh noticed Courtney was on her breaking point. She hated cussing, and she probably hated smoking as well. But she let him go though, and Josh went.  
He could just run away, couldn't he? He could escape and live forever at Daniel's, but it was a risk he wasn't willing to take. Even though he was almost 18, he wasn't exactly 18 and the state and his new... well, _those lesbians,_ were supposed to take care of him. Running away would make his life a complete hell, so he had a plan: to make the women's lives a complete hell so they would talk to the headmaster and he would go back to the orphanage.  
It seemed like a great plan; except he wasn't sure if it would work.

Josh eventually decided to sit on the porch - the sun was going to sleep, the birds were singing and cars were driving by, normal people were going home to their _normal and traditional families_.  
 Josh sighed; if they were straight he could have been so happy. It was a great house located in a great neighborhood, and this family surely had some good money... but Josh Dun wasn't that eager of being rich and being part of a wealthy family, especially when they were faggots - he would rather starve himself on the streets than to sacrifice his sexuality.  
He was rather appreciating the smoke sitting on the front porch step when he noticed someone sitting down next to him.  
_Oh god._  
Josh rolled his eyes.  
_The little rat was back._

  
What Josh didn't know though, was that the little rat had a hurt leg but he decided to get down the stairs anyway and walk to the porch because, you know, he was kind enough to do that for a stranger. He knew Josh was having a hard time coping with this new family and new environment; he had been through the same. And he would have appreciated some nice words coming from someone he felt like he could really trust.  
But there's this thing about Tyler, you know; this anxiety which eats him alive. Tyler always felt really anxious while trying to make some new friends, so he stopped trying to; a simple task such as ordering food put Tyler Joseph on the edge of a panic attack, so he stopped ordering food and started asking closer friends to do it for him.  
Anxiety is a funny thing, you know; it stops you from being a human being, but it turns on your most primitive instincts such as escaping, hiding and generally trying not to die, even though your life isn't in danger. So in order to avoid these feelings, Tyler started avoiding interactions with strangers or tasks that put him in high levels of stress - until the day he decides to sit down next to his brother on the front porch step of their beautiful house and starts introducing himself.

'Hey.' He just knows he sounds like a scared little boy, but that doesn't stop him. Due to the anxiety, Tyler's hands are trembling, so he doesn't try to shake Josh's hand. 'I don't think we've been properly introduced yet; I'm Tyler Joseph.'

  
His anxiety is kicking in and his breaths are becoming irregular, so he avoids looking at Josh and he simply stares at the well-cut green grass decorating the garden. Josh seems to scoff next to him, and Tyler fears for the worse. But then he hears Josh's voice. It's not the same dark and rough voice he has heard before. He sounds excited, happy almost. Tyler's heart is warm again and it feels like his leg was healed.

'Wow, you're Tyler Joseph?!' _And_ Josh looks so surprised, _and_ he's smiling, _and_ he looks gorgeous, _and_ Tyler is smiling because he's the most gorgeous human being he has ever seen, _and_... 'I've heard a lot about you!'

Tyler is smiling so hard he might tear his cheeks apart.

'Really? _You_ did?' Tyler asks excited, and he forgets for a second that his day was rough and his leg hurts like a bitch because he has this amazing human being smiling next to him, and then...  _and then Josh isn't smiling anymore._  
He rolls his eyes and stares at Tyler with rage.

'No, of course I did not you fucking loser.' He replies, and Tyler Joseph doesn't feel happy anymore; honestly, Tyler is heartbroken. 'God, faggots are so fucking dumb.'

  
Because you see, when you have trouble on dealing with anxiety and social interaction, it's hard to overcome some obstacles you find on your way, and they might be the most ridiculous ones, but when you overcome them, you feel powerful; there's a shot of adrenaline in your body and everything is beautiful and the world is perfect and you feel the king of a nation.  
But when you can't overcome them, there's no way to express how much sadness you feel; how worthless and how much of a loser you think you are. How it destroys you on the inside, and how it changes you as a person.  
But, you know, Joshua Dun has never struggled with anxiety and honestly he doesn't give a flying fuck about Tyler Joseph. So he's just being rude because, you know, he's Joshua William Dun. 

  
Tyler doesn't have the strength to say anything. He's just destroyed, and he knows he's going to cry his eyes out when he's by himself. But T is tough, and he knows how to deal with it, so he gets up, almost sinking on the porch due to his hurt leg, and sighs.

'I didn't want to bother. I was just trying to be nice.'

He's leaving when he hears Josh's voice ringing on his ears again.

'You tried and you fucking failed, you miserable cunt. You can leave now.' And Josh is angry, really angry, and he's smoking again and cussing under his breath, and Tyler Joseph decides that he has never been more afraid of someone like he is of Josh. Not because he thinks he'll beat the shit out of him, _but because he's pretty sure he's going to break his heart in a million pieces with his harsh words and beautiful smiles._

 ~ ø ~

  
It was three in the afternoon.  
The lesbian was wearing a pink dress next to him, her hair was straightened and she was wearing high wheels.  
Josh was just, you know, wearing his ripped skinny jeans and an old shirt 'cuz honestly, he doesn't give a fuck.  
Courtney and the headmaster had been talking for two fucking hours straight about his behavior and about his future like he wasn't even there. No words were spoken between the headmaster and Josh, nor between Lainey and Josh; he felt like a fucking house plant witnessing the whole thing of fucking his life up when he wasn't even 18 yet.  
But again, he didn't give a fuck. He was pretty sure the lesbians wanted him to fuck off, and he gladly would go wherever they wanted him to go (that didn't include their house, of course).  
You see? Josh Dun doesn't give a fuck.  
And then he sees the headmaster standing up, and he eventually starts giving a fuck.

'If you don't mind me, Mrs. Jones, I would like to talk to Josh alone so we can figure this whole situation out.' He claimed, staring at his _mother_. 'We've always been pretty close, haven't we Josh?'

  
Josh feels like throwing up, but he doesn't because he doesn't want to ruin his Vans shoes. Those are the only ones he has left. He should have asked the lesbians to buy him a new pair before he ruined everything.

  
'It's up to you, sir.' Cortuney responds, standing up. 'I'll wait outside, then. Thank you for your time, that was very kind of you.'

'It's always my pleasure. I'll catch up with you and your wife later.' The headmaster smiled widely, and Josh _just_ knew he was fucked. He felt her gaze penetrating his skull, but he kept on playing with his fingers, doing his best to ignore her and everyone around him.  
When she finally left and Josh was left alone with the man who tried to raise him, there was no awkward silence; there was a lot of rage, a lot of tension, and a lot of praying on Josh's mind that the headmaster would take him in again and he would never see the little rat nor the lesbian couple again.  
_He was so wrong._  
The headmaster was doing something on his computer, and then he smirked. Josh rolled his eyes and felt like slapping him across his fucking obese face. Punching that smirk out of him was Josh's ultimate wish on that moment.

'Joshua, I need you to watch this.' The fat fuck said, turning his laptop's screen in Josh's direction. There was a video waiting to be played, or at least something like a video.  
It was a video from a recording camera, Josh noticed, due to the low quality. It had been recorded two months ago, at 3 in the morning.  
_It couldn't be, could it?_  
Josh swallowed hard, and when the video started playing, his world fell in front of him.

  
It wasn't fair. He was short on money, he was desperate, he was drunk...

  
_Men don't cry,_ Josh reminded himself; _only faggots do that._ But he really did feel like crying, tears starting to gather on his eyes, making it almost impossible not to break down in front of the headmaster.  
His cruel voice was soon heard on the room.

'In case you have forgotten what that is, Joshua, this is the video captured by a surveillance camera of a coffee shop right around the corner.' He smirked. 'It shows you and three of your old roommates stealing everything you could find from said coffee shop...' He smiled cruelly. 'And is that a gun in your pocket, Joshua?'

  
Josh felt like a fish outside of water, desperately seeking for a way out, or in, or whatever, but there was no way- _he was already drowning._  
The video came to an end and the headmaster closed the laptop.  
'You see Josh, you're almost 18, which means you won't be protected by the law anymore once you turn 18. I don't want this institution to be remembered as the one who sent an innocent kid like you and your mates to jail, so... You can easily solve this.' Josh was lightheaded.' You have two options, Josh. You leave this institution immediately, you go home with that beautiful woman and have a nice and fulfilling life with such a nice couple as them, or I'll just email a cop who's a friend of mine this video, and you can start getting your _back door_ ready for your cell mates.' Josh felt like throwing up; was he going to faint? 'It's your choice, Joshua.'

  
And Josh did choose.

  
And today, after spending so much time with his brother, Josh still wonders which one was the best option: falling in love or falling out of his freedom.

He would soon realise they were both the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now things are finally starting to hit the fan!!  
> don't forget to leave a comment and a kudos, it means a lot to me! thank you so much for everything!


	4. 4.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who's lainey, and why does she want tyler dead?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sooooo sorry. i feel like i should explain why i haven't updated for almost a month.  
> it's been really hard on me. my family has gone through a lot, i've lost people that i loved and i've been really busy with school and work.  
> all of this is eating me alive and i've lost all the love i had for writing.  
> but i want to take it back, so i'm updating.  
> i don't promise anything; i can't. i don't know when i'm going to update next, but i promise it's going to be soon.  
> i love you all with all my heart, and thank you so much for your kind kudos and for leaving such nice comments; you were the reason why i decided to start writing again. thank you for giving me a reason. enjoy. x

Tyler is crying in the bathroom and staring at his razor blades when he hears his mum's car pulling in the driveway.

  
He takes a glance at the mirror; his face is all puffy and red, his eyes are blodshot and there's blood on his shirt - yeah, he definitely looked like shit.

After taking off his shirt and putting it on the basket for dirty clothes, he went to his bedroom, procceeded to turn all the lights off and lay down on his bed pretending to be asleep; he didn't want to be asked questions about his ugly crying face and he surely didn't want his brother to notice that he had been crying and had a breakdown because of him.  
He heard his mum opening the door and the boy was almost waiting for loud voices, screams and things breaking, but none of it happened. There were voices coming from downstairs, yes, but it seemed like they were just casually having a chat. Tyler thanked the gods; his anxiety couldn't take another fight between his family.  
The little broken boy had taken his anxiety pills, but his disease was through the roof. Tomorrow his mother would come back home and he was scared of death that Lainey would find out that he had hurt his leg and that he wouldn't be on his best shape to the game that was happening on Saturday. They both knew there would be important people on the basketball business field there, and Tyler was the star of his team and the only who even had the chance to win a scholarship.

Tyler was a very talented young boy, and he loved basketball. He really did.  
  
But what he loved the most though, he kept a secret. It was weird why he did it; maybe he didn't want to share his dirty little secret with anyone because they would be expecting something great from his hobby and then it would turn into an obligation. Nevertheless, Tyler needed to vent out and that was why he grabbed a small notebook he had hidden under the  
pillow for ages and started writing his heart out; what was left of it, anyways. 

|-/

Josh was writing new ways to get along with his brother and mothers.  
He was ashamed that he had been crying, but it was from pissing his pants out; he did not want to go to jail. That wasn't even an option; he would rather live with the fags than become a fag himself, and that would be what would happen if he went to prison. That wasn't even a damn option.

Firstly, he needed to get along with the little rat. Then he would gain Courtney's trust and he was absolutely sure that it wouldn't be hard to show Lainey that he was an absolute sweetheart; they hadn't even met yet.  
Now don't get me wrong, Josh wasn't a fake ass bitch. He hated his little brother from the bottom of his heart; he couldn't even stand the vision of him, and his little voice made him want to punch himself in the fucking face. However he needed to survive, he couldn't be kicked out.

  
Courtney had gone upstairs to change into more comfortable clothes, or whatever lesbians do to get themselves comfortable, and Josh had the chance to look around. There wasn't much, really; it was a regular house, with beautiful and modern furniture. The TV was absolutely huge, but there wasn't anything interesting on. And what a better time than before dinner time to bound with his little brother in a way or another? After all, his ass was literally on the line.

  
Josh thought about grabbing two beers and invite him to sit by the pool enjoying the end of the day, but that seemed gay as fuck; hell, he was already catching the gay and he had been there for only a small amount of time. Also, were the kids even allowed to drink on this goddamned household? Probably fucking not.  
The punk boy was simply roaming by the backyard when he noticed something really cool near the set of picnic tables: a foosball!  
Daniel used to have on by his house, but they ended up breaking it 'cuz they were badasses when it came to playing with that shit. But this one looked new, it was huge and it definitely was in good shape.  
Well, it was a hell of a way to bound, and Tyler couldn't even say no: fuck off, Josh was trying.  
He ran inside and grabbed two pepsis from the fridge (he was too scared to grab a beer. Well, Josh wasn't scared 'cuz Joshua Dun _isn't_ scared of anything, he just didn't want to cross the line), and he found Courtney staring right back at him with her eyebrows furrowed.

'May I grab these?' He asked politely. _Think about getting fucked in the ass by other prisoners, just keep that shit on mind,_ he thought to himself, and he shivered in disgust just by the presence of the pussy eater right in front of him. 'I was thinking about playing foosball with Tyler. I just thought it would be a great way to get to know him. This is, if you don't  
mind, Mrs. Jones.'

The words were coming out of his mouth but they didn't even seem real. He hadn't even cursed for once and he had been polite. Polite to a lesbian, oh my god. And even though it  
was all bullshit and he was putting up a hell of an act, the lesbian actually believed him and smiled at him like nothing had happened before.

'Of course Josh, this is your home as well. I'm sure Tyler would be delighted to be with you. I'll be making dinner if you two need me.'

Josh nodded.

'Thanks, m'am.'

He was already walking up the stairs when he heard her voice again.

'You can call me by my first name if you want to, sweetheart. And whatever name you wish when you think you're ready for it.'

 _Is "fucking faggot" a cute nickname?_ Josh thought to himself, but of course he didn't say anything. He wasn't that stupid and he sure wouldn't risk his life on that.

Little did he know that months from then, he would be calling that exact woman by the one and only nickname of _mother._

 

> ~~_the road is tough_ ~~   
>  ~~_my skin is burnt_~~   
>  ~~_my feet hurt_~~   
>  ~~_my mind is going insane,_~~   
>  ~~_mommy can't take away the pain,_~~   
>  ~~_my heart hurts in my chest,_~~   
>  ~~_ropes are tied around my neck,_~~   
>  ~~_i am,_~~   
>  ~~_i am,_~~   
>  ~~_i am,_~~   
>  ~~_nothing._~~

Tyler stared at his latest poem with disgust on his face. He wished he was as good at writing as he was on basketball. It didn't sound any different from any of the poems he had read on tumblr; it was just another poem talking about how miserable life was, how much he wanted to die and how worthless he felt even though he had everything he had wished for for a long time: he had food on the table, people who cared about him, a career on basketball, a great home and good grades. Nevertheless, _something_ felt empty. He had always felt empty back at his last foster care home, but now it felt different. It felt like Tyler needed something worth fighting for; something that could teach him that life was worth living. At first he thought it was basketball, but now he knew he was wrong. Not even his favorite sport could save his life.   
When he was mad, T would throw things around his bedroom, so that was exactly what he did. He threw his notebook against the door with so much rage that he even scared himself.

  
And the door opened in that exact moment.

  
A very surprised Josh holding two pepsis on his hands was staring at him like he was a mad man. Tyler literally grew smaller and blushed really hard. He couldn't believe Josh had just caught him on one of his rage moments. And to be completely honest, Tyler was also scared of Josh's reaction. I mean, he did throw something on his direction, he couldn't really blame him if his brother decided to give him a black eye right on the spot.  
He saw rage on Josh's eyes but for his surprise, he just laughed the event off.

'Damn, you almost hit me, your aim is really good.' And there it was that damn smile again. Suddenly, Tyler felt an urge to write again; he felt like he could write endless poems about Josh's eyes. Something about those eyes made him happy even though he had no reason to feel that way. On the other hand, Josh's words didn't sound honest but T didn't care - he just wanted to get along with his brother and it was okay to lie sometimes. Tyler himself lied a lot on a daily basis. 'Anyways, I don't think we've started with the right foot and I don't want us to have hard feelings. So I wanted to apologise.'

Okay, now Tyler wasn't expecting that one.  
He sat on the bed and he noticed that his legs and hands were shaking due to his anxiety. He was also sweating.

Damn, why did Josh made him feel so tingly and sweaty and anxious and awkward, all at the same time? Was it because of his bright red, rebellious hair? Was it because of his muscular posture, or just because he could kill Tyler with a small punch?  
He cleared his throat awkwardly and decided to just stare at his fingers. He was already fidgeting.

'It's okay. It's tough to be on your position. You don't have to apologise.'

'Great!' Josh yelled, a little too happy for Tyler's concern, and dismissed the subject instantly. What the heck was going on? The talk with the headmaster must have been interesting. 'Anyways, I was just exploring and I found this really cool soccer table. Want to play a little? We can have some drinks and have a chat to, you know, get to know each other a little bit more,since we're brothers now.'

Another thing about Tyler was that he was really inteligent. Even though Josh's intentions were good, he didn't believe his words were true. He felt like he was just trying to be friends with him to make his mothers happy and for them to leave him alone to ruin his life, drink around and probably steal.

Or maybe Tyler was being a little stupid judgemental fuck.  
Yeah, that was probably it. He even felt bad for thinking that Josh had bad intentions.

'Oh...' He grabbed the soda Josh was handing on his direction. 'Sure, that would be... really, hm, nice.'

'You can talk louder, man. I can barely hear you.'

Josh could barely hear Tyler's voice, but little did he know that his thoughts were screaming for him to get away from the red haired boy.

|-/

'Aaaaaand king Joshua strikes again!' Josh yelled, making Tyler laugh, almost in agony. He was the worst at soccer table. He couldn't grab the sticks or whatever they were called properly, and he was too close to the table, which resulted on him being hit on the stomach several times.  
But it had been nice. Tyler hadn't that much fun in a long time. He didn't talk much, moving his mouth only to laugh at one of Josh's jokes or to apologise for his bad skills on the game. Josh seemed to be having the time of his life though. 'Man, it isn't that fun when I play with Daniel. I'm glad I have a brother now.'

As we know, Josh wasn't being honest when he said that. Tyler wasn't that bad of a company, but he was still the son of the fags, he barely talked and he was a quiet, shy kid - and that wasn't the type of person Josh would want in his life. But still, he indeed had some fun playing with Tyler.

Did they bound? Yes, they did.

Did Josh like his brother better after spending some time together? Yes, he did.

  
Was Tyler slowly falling in love with Josh's eyes and smile? _Yes, he fucking was._

After playing for almost a hour, Tyler and Josh went to chill out by the pool. They were now drinking orange juice that Courtney had made them, and Josh felt good. Maybe too good. Maybe the lesbian had drugged his drink with her disease.

Truth was Josh didn't like being taken care of. He had always been neglected, hated, kicked, and now being treated with so much compassion and love even though he fucked up, it wasn't good for him. He didn't know how he felt about it. Maybe the read haired boy was such a good actor that he was even fooling himself on thinking that he could be happy living with two sinners.  
Well, three, 'cuz he was sure as fuck that the kid was a disgusting faggot as well.  
But since he had to actually pretend he liked Tyler and the family, he wanted to ask some questions.

'So Tyler, for how long have you lived withCourtney?'

Tyler seemed to think about it for a second.

'For about five years, I think.' He answered. He looked a little bit more confident but he was still shy. 'It was almost a miracle honestly, I wasn't expecting them to choose me.'

Josh nodded. So he was adopted when he was 12. Well, that wasn't too old compared to being adopted by 17.

'What do you like the most about Courtney?'

Now, before you start picturing them falling in love and everything, you need to know that Josh is a heartless bitch. He's incapable of loving, and that's why he asked what Tyler loved the most about his mum. He just didn't understand love itself, and how could you love someone. And maybe he could start analysing Tyler's behaviour with his mothers and be the same caring kid - and then be set free as soon as he turned 18.  
T, on the other hand, was capable of love. Well, maybe he loved _too much._ He loved basketball, he loved writing, he loved the nature; hell, he loved everything _but himself._

'She's really kind, and she takes good care of me.' Tyler smiled, remembering all the memories he had with Courtney. 'She's the best mom I could have ever wished for.'

'What about Lainey?' Josh ask, furrowing his eyebrows.

Tyler flinched. It wasn't on purporse, it was just what happened everytime someone mentioned his other mother. He took a deep breath trying to block out all the bad memories, the screams, the yelling of the neighbours, the smell of blood, the taste of blood, Courtney holding Lainey down, Lainey pulling his hair, someone calling the cops, someone calling an ambulance, him being dragged by the darkness, and- _and then a car pulled out on the drive way._  
Tyler knew how it was due to the shivering on his spine and the cold on his bones.

'I don't talk about Lainey, Josh.'

Josh found that weird. That family was fucked up, man. It was normal to like a mum better than other, but what kept him from talking about the other faggot?

Little did Josh know that Tyler had all the reasons to avoid Courtney. And sooner, he wouldn't be the only one.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my heart goes to manchester. we love you, and i'm really really sorry. my heart is literally broken and i don't know what to say.  
> i just want to thank every single person out there that helped the victims and the people who survived: i want to thank every single human being on earth despite religion that helped someone and was a hero.  
> thank you, and be kind to each other.  
> better times will come, and it's up to us to stay together.


End file.
